COLUMN: Apocalypse imminent on Nov. 7
I’ve been reading a lot about the upcoming presidential election on the internet lately, and since we all know the blogosphere can’t say anything that isn’t true, I really feel I have a good grip on what to expect if the president should be re-elected.
Here is the timeline, as far as I can piece it together, of what will happen following an Obama victory.
First, everyone will be fired Wednesday, November 7th, should the election go Obama’s way. Don't even bother going to work. Just unplug your alarm clocks. Taxes will be so high for employers, they will be forced to fire everyone and outsource jobs to the remotest areas of the Amazon where workers can be paid with shiny bits of plastic and polished buttons.
Next, the government will come after your guns, as the Second Amendment will be outlawed by the new Obama Supreme Court. The only ones who will survive the coming disaster will be those who have maxed out all their credit cards to stockpile weapons and ammo in their basements. Good thing they took that gamble. It’s sure to pay off, from what I’ve read.
With all of the unemployed, unarmed and likely very depressed Americans, the president will order the UN to seize the opportunity to carry out a full-scale uprising with its overwhelming military might: blue-helmeted troops from Argentina, Belgium, Fiji and Finland will occupy all of our cities with armored vehicles, allowing the socialist, communist, fascist, elitist, Nazi Caliphate Dictatorship to take control of our communities. During the ground invasion by the UN, the Muslim Brotherhood will parachute into Washington D.C. and seize control of Congress.
Once all wealth has been re-distributed to the lazy, abortion-loving, drug-addicted bottom 47 percent of the country, Shariah law will be implemented. The burqa will be mandatory for all women, and mentioning Jesus will be punishable by stoning. Husbands will be required by law to beat their wives daily and every morning you will wake up to the call to prayer from the minarets that have replaced your church steeples.
Fortunately, you won’t have to endure this for long, because soon it will become apparent Obama is the anti-Christ. A second American civil war, led by Chuck Norris and his lovely second wife, Gena, will usher in the following 1,000 years of darkness.
Now here, there is some confusion on the internet. Either the rapture will happen after Obama defeats the Norris family (and their friends Texas and Virginia) or it will happen later, after Obama’s last four years are up. I’ve had trouble getting a concrete answer from the internet, but since internet users can’t lie, I’m sure I’m just missing something. Either way, the disappearance of 50-80 million hardworking, honest Americans will cripple what’s left of the world economy, leaving the remaining 6.9 billion people on the planet to endure Obama’s evil wrath. If only they had listened to the internet!
From this point on, it’s a familiar story. The seven-headed demon rises out of the sea, four demons on horses fly down from the sky and inflict horrors on mankind -- trumpets, victorious return of the king and final curtain. The after party will be at the downtown Ramada in heaven.
The prophecy of the internet is not set in stone; we can still avoid disaster for the next four years by electing Mitt Romney. Then, we can put aside all of this talk of war and evil until 2016, when Mitt Romney, savior of the world, will be forced once again to battle the evil forces of the Democratic Party. Stay tuned to the internet, and Godspeed!
Trent Cason is a literature and cultural studies senior.