Congratulations humanity, you have done it. You’ve accomplished the impossible. Conquered nature in ways your ancestors could have only dreamed of. The Mayans and Egyptians may have put together a few rocks. The Chinese constructed a little line in the sand. But you, modern man, have done it. You have opened up the seas, creating a route through the oceans that explorers have spent centuries searching for. You have united the nations in a way the United Nations never could.

The Northwest Passage, the legendary arctic shortcut, has finally been opened. Once a multiyear journey only able to be explored by the most daring of explorers, this route is now open to cargo and military ships galore!

No one person can claim to have accomplished this task alone. It has required centuries of effort by each and every nation on this wonderful planet. Think the Large Hadron Collider is the pinnacle of international cooperation? Pish posh. The LHC is like Lincoln Logs when compared to the amount of effort and cooperation that went into the opening of the Northwest Passage.

Ice hundreds of feet thick used to cover most of the Arctic Circle, blocking essential international transit. Shippers once had to cross the vast Pacific and Atlantic oceans to bring the essential Reeboks, crude oil and Tickle-Me-Elmos to their desperate and deprived customers. With the Industrial Revolution, mankind had finally developed the technology to break through that ice. Not only that, but we have been improving our ice thinning technology each and every year, at an exponential rate. And you — yes you — have played an essential role in this global struggle.

Every time you ride in an airplane or go for a leisurely drive, you have been helping with the task of opening the Northwest Passage. I’m proud of each and every one of you for turning your heat up a few degrees more than necessary and leaving those lights on. Do you desire a mango in January? Well there’s got to be somewhere in the world where someone is growing them. Without behavior like that, none of this would have been possible.

Congratulations to each and every nation for their behavior at the most recent United Nations Climate Change Conference. It was quite a sight, with developed and developing nations competing to see which group would play a larger role in this international struggle. It was such an improvement upon the blundered efforts at the Kyoto Conference. The work on the passage is near completion, and with documents like the Copenhagen Accord ensure we will see fruit of our labors sooner rather than later.

I do have one criticism. The U.S. has been slipping in its role of the construction of the Northwest Passage. No longer the leader in carbon dioxide emissions, our efforts have been put to shame by the surge of Chinese greenhouse gas emissions. Why have we been slipping? Why have we allowed our nation’s youth to sacrifice their safety on the road by driving small deathtraps on wheels also known as compact cars? For what reasons have we let the green “fad” infect the minds of millions of Americans? What kind of destructive intentions do the leaders of these movements have in mind?

I just want to tell each and every one of you to keep up the good work. Keep fighting to exterminate those polar bear pests. Remember how much easier it will be to bring to America all that wonderful stuff lucky children across the world are making just for you. Don’t let the Al Gores and John Muirs of the world tell you what you are doing is wrong. Look outside right now; it’s not even 40 degrees. The sky is not falling.

So tell all the Chicken Littles of this world to shove it.