Editor’s Note: This column is in response to Joshua Huff’s Oct. 26 column, “Abstinence has its merits too.” To read that column, visit OUDaily.com.
For the first time since I have been writing for The Daily, I actually found myself surprised by the quality of another column written for the opinion section. Joshua Huff – good job.
Your “Abstinence has its merits too” was not the same god-awful, Christian prattle that I have come to expect when people tackle issues like this. There may have actually been a few decent points buried in there. That constitutes high praise, coming from me.
Now I must destroy you.
Sex. That good old fashioned, warm, soft, sweaty, flesh on flesh, little slice of heaven is not worth abstaining from for so many reasons, I can’t even hope to list a reasonable fraction of them in a short op-ed piece.
First, I need to get a couple things out of the way.
Number one, I am not going to be addressing religious convictions in this article. I will simply say that people should not look to a religious organization for factual (scientific method) information on sex. Ever.
That’s like going to soldiers seeking an explanation of the virtues of pacifism.
Number two, I am talking about sex between two honest, consenting adults, who are actually willing to be responsible and use some form of birth control.
I should make sure that I am clear on this matter.
Claiming you don’t have a condom, then admitting you have one so your partner will have sex with you, then bitching about how you can’t feel anything and rubber banding the condom across the room once both of you are into it, does not constitute safe sex.
Before you start messing around with the holiest of holies, make sure you’re bagging it.
I cannot stand the thought of inadvertently contributing to some of the crackbrained mongols I encounter around this campus reproducing.
That being said, there is a plethora of great health benefits to having sex on a regular basis. Research has shown that regular sex can relieve stress, boost one’s immune system, provide a good workout, improve heart health, reduce risks of certain types of cancers, relieve pain and improve a person’s quality of sleep.
And those are just the benefits that are widely agreed upon.
Now I understand the various arguments that people make in claiming that casual sex can undermine relationships or marriage. However, I think that most of the typical arguments have it ass-backwards.
I will acknowledge that previous lovers can undermine some relationships. However, I don’t believe that this is because a penis was inserted into a vagina. It’s a reflection of the perception of what a penis inside a vagina entails in our sexually repressed society.
The people that have the most problems with the idea that their partners have had prior casual sexual experiences are the people that believe that sex must entail a wide variety of emotions that simply don’t occur in many contexts.
Even if there is emotional attachment, so what? If you loved/liked/hated someone before, does that mean you can’t experience that emotion again?
If your relationship suffers because one or both parties are jealous or insecure as a result of prior sexual histories, then it is sexual immaturity, not sex itself that is hurting your relationship.
Conversely, sex can help a relationship tremendously. I honestly pity those people who are virgins on their wedding night.
Think of us as unique little sexual snowflakes. We all have different things that get us off.
I would hate to find out that a person that I just made a lifetime commitment to thinks that grooming her short and curlies is ostentatious, and can only experience orgasms after a straight hour of oral sex.
Personally, my tongue and jaw cramp after a while.
I would think that it would be equally terrible for a woman to discover that her husband is a short order cook that insists that his favorite time to be fellated is right after he has just run a marathon.
Sexual compatibility is a crucial aspect of any relationship, whether we want to admit it or not. However, it is not the only aspect.
This is why the best lover of your life is not necessarily the person you want to commit to.
The best lover I’ve ever had was a girl that didn’t want a relationship with me, and I didn’t want one with her. We were both clear about our intentions from the outset, and we parted ways amicably some time ago with no regrets.
The key to this was our being forthcoming.
If casual sex is all you want from a relationship, you better make that clear to the other party, otherwise you are taking advantage. And those of you that take advantage, guys and girls, are screwing it up for the rest of us when you leave confusion and wounded hearts in your wake.
Even after having numerous partners, I am currently involved and in love with a wonderful girl. Ironically, I actually have had to give up sex for many months at a time, as we have been involved in a long-distance relationship for almost a year. And we have remained faithful.
Our previous sexual experiences have made us individually more confident and assertive lovers who are more capable of expressing our sexual identities to each other.
So let’s all take a step back and stop criticizing one another for indulging in the most basic bliss of the human condition.
Instead, let us celebrate sex so that we might strengthen our relationships, better ourselves as lovers and keep on practicing so that we might make perfect. Look around after you finish reading this article. I bet you can spot at least one person in dire need of a good orgasm.
Footnote: If you are sexually active, make sure to get regular STD screenings. A little blood in a vial and pee in a cup is your small price to pay for this beautiful human expression.
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AINT NO BABIES IF YOU USE PROTECTION
HOLLLLLLLAAAAAAA
Oh my god this is an epic win. If you've given even one sexually repressed Christian reading this a boner your mission is accomplished.
Travis, that is an excellent job! Now I can say that there is hope in finding normal, balanced and mature human beings in OU's student population. After months reading bigoted absurdities in the OU Daily, I was afraid that I landed in a conservative mental asylum.
I'm always on the look out for chicks "in dire need of a good orgasm". Well said.
Agree 100%.
This is not intended to be an attack, but I have quite a few problems with your arguments:
Firstly, you did not quote a single source in your article. "Research" is not a source. Not to mention, all of the benefits of sex can also be achieved by regular exercise, which has the added benefit of making you look better.
Secondly, I don't think sex itself is the problem, but rather the behaviors that lead to and result from it. And just because YOU apparently do not experience emotional attachment from knowing a person in the most intimate physical way possible, doesn't mean other people don't. Is it not more painful to be abandoned by a lover than by an abstinent significant other?
Thirdly, keep in mind that Christians wholly trust in God to take care of their marriage, and whether or not a new wife shaves herself is not important compared to getting to spend the rest of your life with your soulmate. It's not relevant whether or not you believe in God, just know where Christians are coming from.
You can't cast aside abstinent people as though they are naive and uptight. Sure, many are, but you can't deny that they are avoiding a lot of potential health and certain emotional risks by not engaging in sex with someone who will likely leave their life.
Also, I agree with everyone's comments on the ridiculous hyper-conservative Christian columns. They make me sick. Don't let anyone judge you for your choices (and likewise, don't judge them for theirs).
Love,
A Liberal and Abstinent Christian
And the award for "Biggest Narcissist" goes to Travis Grogan! It's hard to imagine your response, Mr. Grogan, and even if one could it would most certainly depend on the current status of your ego. Let us try.
"I'd like to thank the Academy for this award. I'd say it's the most amazing thing I've ever had, but my professional writing skills already hold that honor. I'd like to thank myself for all my hard work and egocentrism. Without my disregard for human life, my lack of mediation between the id and reality, or my hair, I never would have made it this far. God knows---no, let me rephrase that---reason dictates that all other viewpoints are null and void when I come into the picture."
Since it seems that your article derives several of its arguments from your inexperience with abstinence and those who practice it, you may want to reconsider your premise in light of certain facts. Though you fail to mention it in any significant way, many people have been scarred and broken by mistakes they wish they hadn't made. I am one of those people. I used to be sexually active, but no longer. Wounded by men who treated me like trash and used my feelings for them to take advantage of me, I voluntarily gave up "the most basic bliss of the human condition" in favor of my self-esteem. Now, I too am in a committed long-distance relationship with someone I love (who also has a sexual past that has left deep scars. We have never had sex. And we won't, unless we get married, because we believe, in light of having experienced sex in the wrong way, that some things are worth waiting for.
Before you judge me, realize that just because I'm not currently having sex doesn't mean I'm prudish and sexually dead inside. On the contrary, I can't wait to experience that moment with someone I truly care about. But it won't be happening without a serious commitment. You may pity those who are virgins on their wedding night, but I am envious of them. They will have the joy of belonging exclusively to the love of their life, of giving all of themselves to the only person who will know them on that level, and (if they're very lucky) receiving that same gift in return. Talk about trust.
So before you write sex off as unemotional and purely physical, before you assume that whatever feels good is the right decision, consider those who thought the same thing, until they got their heart broken. And consider how some people, upon discovering that sex is actually something precious, found redemption in abstinence.
First, I'm surprised that the first comments on this article were all written so lightly. Sex is a weighty topic, no matter what view you support, and should be discussed respectfully.
Secondly, I wish that the Daily had run Grogan's and Huff's articles side by side so that readers could engage in more of a conversation. Running them a week or so apart seems unlikely to spur much productive debate.
Thirdly, I agree with knig2187 that "you can't cast abstinent people aside as though they are naive and uptight." Abstinence is a personal choice. Don't stereotype it.
What about the "health benefits" of unintended pregnancies and STDs? Sorry, no form of birth control is 100%--I'm sure that could put a little cramp in that "unattached relationship"
Furthermore, no matter how hard you try, casual sex is never casual--ever heard of oxytocin? Try this article and look it up on your own:
http://www.boston.com/news/science/artic...
Finally, I highly doubt the author and his partners get tested before every single hookup/relationship he has. But hey, I guess herpes is a good way to make sure that relationship stays unattached...
The only bright side of this article is we ladies now have a name & face of a guy to definitely avoid...
Wow...I am probably the least prude person EVER and I am very offensive myself, but I find it completely inappropriate to write so graphically in a SCHOOL PAPER. This is not Penthouse Forum and I don't care to hear about your jaw and tongue aching after too much oral sex. Ew. I will probably never sleep again with that mental image of YOU doing that. If you are planning on being a journalist, or actually anything in society that requires some sort of moral filter, I would suggest you think twice before publishing something so tasteless and classless in a public forum. I am sure your future employers will find it VERY amusing that you you have such an affinity for oral sex. Grow up dude and get some class. Seriously.
As a side note, I can imagine how proud the sponsoring businesses are to have their ads next to this triumph for the oversexed frat boy and I am sure President Boren would love for such thoughtless writing to represent our university...
Rarely do I comment on local or column blog posts, but this made itself a worthy candidate. Not only is it a sad indicator of the state of American Culture, it's flat out chauvinistic.
Here's the issues:
1. Your view of sexuality revolves around your own selfishness. Instead of treating sex as something respectful, its just one more thing "to get" or "to do". You say, "I bet you can spot at least one person in dire need of a good orgasm." COME ON! Is that how you look at the world: (You, pieces of meat around you and other men all trying to have a piece?!)? Grow up buddy.
2. You say "I am talking about sex between two honest, consenting adults, who are actually willing to be responsible and use some form of birth control." So, all of a sudden, "responsibility" with sex revolves around "NOT procreating". Isn't that what sex's primary purpose is? Regardless of whether you advocate abortion or not, getting pregnant is now all of a sudden a "consequence" of being irresponsible. "Responsibility" is making sure you enjoy all the benefits, without thinking about or dealing with the consequences.
3. Another one of your assertions, "The people that have the most problems with the idea that their partners have had prior casual sexual experiences are the people that believe that sex must entail a wide variety of emotions that simply don’t occur in many contexts." is COMPLETELY FACTUALLY BASELESS. Where's the evidence for this? What article are you citing? What scientific evidence is there for this? So, if you can have sex without any emotion, whats wrong with cheating? As long as it's just a physical thing and not an emotional thing, whats the difference between having sex and giving a hug (besides the extraneous issues of which body parts you are using)? Is sex really this "un-special"?
4. Your statement "Before you start messing around with the holiest of holies, make sure you’re bagging it." reveals a lot about what you think about your anatomy and yourself. "Holiest of holies"? Really? Do you worship your own body parts? Come on, get over yourself!
5. One of your statements is flat-out confusing. "The best lover I’ve ever had was a girl that didn’t want a relationship with me, and I didn’t want one with her". What is sex to you? Do you "love" when you have sex or is it emotionless? I thought you said in many contexts, emotions are a non-issue. Your terms indicate there's something more there than physical satisfaction, but earlier, you argue against that. Are you really sure she had no hopes of beginning a relationship? Or is your idea of "love" so misconstrued that it's nothing more than a physical urge? If "love" is nothing more than gaining physical satisfaction, I'll keep my abstinence and my far-less-shallow meaning of love.
6. Your biggest worry about remaining abstinent seems to be that your future love might have hair between her legs and can outlast you! But, you're willing to risk getting STD's, risk destroying other people's relationships, and risk undermining future marriages so you won't have to deal with this. If "trimming short and curlies" renders you speechless and frustrated, you're going to have a hell of a time being married and having to deal with finances, work, religion, kids, crises, etc.
7. Lastly, you never cite any sources in your article to back up your "claims". knig2187 correctly pointed out that "all of the benefits of sex can also be achieved by regular exercise, which has the added benefit of making you look better." Do you have sources that claim sex can do things exercise cannot?
8. Reading some reviews, I feel like you might have some philosophy under your belt. If you do, consider Aristotle's argument about the Golden Mean. Things are destructive when practiced in excess. Likewise, they are destructive if never addressed at all. Is it possible that abstinence is the Golden Mean? All the benefits of sex are gained after marriage, with no consequences of gaining an STD. Sex between marriage partners is the unique bond that they have with each other and with nobody else. Isn't this worth something to you?
9. Finally, what are those things in life that you value? A great retirement? A big house? A nice car? A good education? What in life is valuable that you did not have to wait for? Wealth is built over a series of decades, not a series of days. A good education takes at least 15 years to accomplish. These are all things worth waiting for. Look at kids who have been spoiled and handed everything. They are often unappreciative, arrogant, and shallow. Do you respect these kinds of kids? Their parents give them everything and they can't live a day without daddy's plastic. What makes you think sex or anything else is different? If you want sex to become a shallow, "casual", physical "expression", lose your virginity early. If you want to risk it being meaningful, consider abstinence.
Here's some sources.
"The Republic", Plato
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Parenting/Stor...
http://www.slate.com/id/2159995/
http://www.students.haverford.edu/masar/...
-MHM
It's not her fault that you're bad at performing cunnilingus, Travis.
Gratuitous information about your sex life (and gratuitous slangy sexual references generally) aside, though, I very much agree with the spirit of your column.
There is one good reason why girls should be stingy with their sexual favors. Unlike the male genitalia the vagina has an odometer on it. It racks up mileage with use. It is a huge turn-off to a guy when he encounters a young girl who gives him a "wide berth." Guys do laugh about it amongst themselves.
Well, Travis, looks like your writings greatly disturbed a bunch of uptight nutcases.
@SoonerTexan88: Nobody wants your herpes. So use protections even if the failure rate is below 0.1%.
@Anonymous27: Welcome to the Internet my friend. May I suggest you to visit 4chan.org?
@PlatoandthebigD: Get laid.
I have to congratulate this article on doing one thing correctly, and that is demonstrating exactly the kind of sexist scum that women should stay away from. Any woman that would even be with somebody with these ideals, well...you deserve each other. Thanks Travis! I'm sure you are the alpha-tool of the delt house.
Also, I'm not sure which is funnier: Your application of "Scientific Research", or the fact that you're completely oblivious to being the laughing stock of ACTUAL writers.
@dio
WTF?
Haha, wow. This guys picture just oozes sexuality. Probably shouldn't have given us a face to put this article to. Congrats on being the coolest kid in the chess club in high school. We're all really impressed that you discovered hair gel, but they lied when they said it makes your status of wannabe sexual dynamo relevant. It doesn't.
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